Friday, September 25, 2009
TOO TIRED TO CARE...
Ever have that feeling that you are too tired to care? too tired to do anything about what it is you really care about, tired of fighting for what you want? All the while, there is the part of you that still cares standing in the shadows watching, voiceless, not because things don't matter anymore, but because the part that is too tired also happens to be the stronger part of you at the time...self preservation, perhaps. Sometimes giving up is an action of saving oneself for a stronger fight, a stronger stand, at a later time.
When you find yourself giving in or giving up, notice it with reverence instead of discouragement. Try not to get down on yourself, your strength will return. Honor your choice not to care and honor your body with rest and loving kindness. Be kind to yourself. Engage in therapeutic behaviors that restore your spirit.
When I'm too tired to care, it is often because I'm way behind the 8 ball in looking after my own needs, they pile up like laundry after a long vacation. Most of my "too tired,” is psychological fatigue. I lose hope. I'm too tired to hope for a better day. Where do I begin? Then I remember, it is always the same answer: one step in front of the other and repeat. Before long, I have completed one task and feel a boost of self placement; ready to move onto the next task and so forth.
When my father was alive, he would always end our telephone conversations with "Keep Your Chin Up"...his voice rings through my mind; to honor him and his love for me, I think in mantra formation, "I'm keeping my chin up." That's my first step. My second step: practice gratitude, simply look around and find one thing that represents love, life, nature, or faith. Nature is the perfect place to find faith. Vegetation and animals don't question the next moment, they live in the present, they believe with faith that moment which comes next will provide all that they need.
Lately, I've been much too tired to care. I practiced my mantra, my gratitude, and I got dressed and drove to my doctor appointment yesterday. On the way home, I was feeling very proud of myself, capable even. Then I was tripped and tested; while driving down a busy neighborhood street, two squirrels ran out to cross the street, one playfully chasing the other, about a block ahead of me. Several cars were traveling in front of me and I watched as the squirrels realized the threat and one ran back, the other ran across the street. As I approached, I expected the second squirrel to run out, but found instead the first squirrel lying in the road injured after running under a car. I pulled over, grabbed a glove from my glove box, walked the block back and waited while traffic stopped and veered around the injured squirrel to miss running it over again. I walked out to her and with gloved hand lifted her from the street, her side was busted open, and as she looked up at me, I spoke softly to her. I laid her down in a mound of ivy on the edge of a yard, and she let go and was gone. I felt her thank me. I heard her partner screeching from the tree across the street. Curiously, I felt no sadness, instead I felt blessed. Blessed to have been a part of that sweet creature’s last moment, blessed to have been there to carry her from the pavement and into a dignified resting place. I think she felt blessed as well.
On the drive home, I realized that my "keep your chin up" mantra and carrying myself with faith, allowed me to help someone, to do something for another being. Something that mattered. I realized, I was not "too tired to care."
(You have to pay attention to catch the good stuff.)