Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Love and Peace of Mind--MY SAVIORS

...."Love and Peace of Mind do protect us, they allow us to overcome the problems that life hands us.

they teach us to live have the courage to confront each day and utilize our pain and

 suffering as motivators and redirectors.

..."Illness and death are not signs of failure; what is a failure, is not living."

----Bernie Siegel

I spent many a day in the years of my twenties reading Bernie Siegel's books. Looking back, I can see I was preparing myself for struggles I had no way of foreseeing. Life is funny that way. I struggle in this hour from the errands of the day, physically and emotionally. My nervous system has been firing full fuel since a mishap at the dental office several weeks ago. A simple error sent the PTSD into complete, "show-up and be noticed" character. Rage is nearby ready to bite your head off at the slightest annoyance. Running errands, as I did today, standing in lines full with sound and people, bright florescent lights, know what I mean, makes my life at times simply unbearable. More unbearable I should say. Staying home hidden away from it all is not a remedy. The PTSD alone makes life so miserable for me when it is fully awaken that I cry and rage over absolutely nothing in particular or normal. I feel pretty desperate for relief and my heart has fallen, losing it's focus on hope and a better day. I am not living. I wish I could tell you tonight that I know tomorrow will be better, but, honestly, I don't know that as a truth I can hold. Saying that to you all brings tears to my eyes. I have never felt so much despair and loneliness as I do in these days. The utter fear of hurting myself or causing another pain is so terribly intense. I wish I could tell you that I fear losing my mind, but that is what an ignorant person would concern themselves with.  This is not madness as some might suppose, but the inability to live blissfully after witnessing madness. Madness.
Where is the Love to save me and give me Peace of Mind when the rage wants to the only one present?
How can I believe in anything when, after so many months of joy and freedom, the rage visits me again?
Bernie, maybe I'll get one of your wonder books out tonight and search for a magical meaning to quench the thirsty rage, to calm the beast, so to speak.

I am Love.
I seek Peace.
I need Peace of Mind.
I am Love.

1 comment:

  1. thinking of you Victoria...wishing for peace. I am listening.