Showing posts with label SUICIDE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SUICIDE. Show all posts
Sunday, May 22, 2011
HIGH EXPECTATIONS LEAVE ME LOW
Recently I received news that a friend of mine from the past committed suicide. I found myself lost for days in grief over this news. I drowned in the river of grief from the past, so much grief for lost time, so much pain of my own resurfaced. I sincerely understand my friend's choice. I, myself, struggle with moments of darkness that drive me to find a final release. I understand feeling misunderstood and alone. I know the frustration of lost expectation in myself and in others. The, almost constant, disappointment from high expectations and visions of perfection that never quite meet the bar. I know the fatigue of rarely having a really great day, a healthy-free from chronic illness suffering-day. I know the feeling of seeing myself from across the room so very emotionally taxed that I could scream, run, do absolutely anything to relieve the tension. I am full with the endless daily "to-do's" and "re-do's" that are mostly care-taking tasks for others. I am bored with it and mourn the lost days of living care-free. I wonder if they really ever existed. Mostly, I'm tired of caring so much, of feeling so much, of worrying so much about everyone I know: family, friends, the ill neighbor, the grieving widow, rescued dogs and children. For as long as I can remember, I've cared too much, so to speak. I recall a girlfriend of mine replying when asked why she didn't do something for someone with "Because I didn't want to." I was dumbfounded. How could that be an option? I still ask that question. Since her response floored me and made me question my own actions, I have been working on putting myself, my wants, first. I often fail, realizing too late that I've exhausted myself for someone and now have nothing left to give to myself. I remember saying to my husband recently, "what if we interacted with everyone we came in contact with as if that meeting was for their benefit solely?" His tongue-in-cheek response: "I think that would make you Jesus." Well, no, I am not quite that good, not even close....this posting is about my frustration with caring and not taking more for myself. I understand taking one's life when feeling overwhelmed. I know that desire. I GET wanting to escape this life of expecting so much and receiving so little and that downward fall into isolation from being forgotten again. I do share the responsibility; I have built my part in this relationship with folks in my life. Those who care about me have been lucky so far; I have managed to make it through that despairing moment each time. I survive one more day again. But, to you my dear friend Ross, I understand and I would have expressed this to you had I known you swam in the same water as I. Life is so much more painful than I expected, than anyone prepared me for. I am not alone in my sentiment. I struggle daily to focus on JOY.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
THE EVACUATION OF HOPE
I welcome a guest post today, Susan Murphy Milano. Susan is a violence expert, safety consultant, the daughter and survivor of murder-suicide, author of "Defending Our Lives, getting away from domestic violence & staying safe and "Moving Out, Moving On" when a relationship goes wrong. And her new book out in 2010,"Time's Up" how to leave and survive a dangerous relationship ,offers detailed practical information.
This article of Susan's is an accurate representation of life as a surviving victim of homicide.
The Evacuation of Hope
By Susan Murphy Milano
I was a shaken as I read the news headline last week “Domestic Violence leads to yet another death Anne Morell Petrillo. Forget for a moment that this 38 year-old woman whom committed suicide was the daughter of heiress to the Scripps newspaper fortune.
In January of 1993, the then 22 year-old Anne found her mother Anne Scripps Douglas', 47, beaten and unconscious in the master bedroom of her New York home. Her mother never regained consciousness and died in the hospital a few days later. Anne’s step-father, a suspect, was not formally charged at the time for beating his wife to death with a hammer. He eventually committed suicide 3-months later jumping to his death from the exact same place that Anne Morell Petrillo chose to end her life.
In 1989, 5 years earlier, in Chicago, Roberta Murphy, also 47 years of age, would be discovered by her daughter, on the kitchen floor, dead with a bullet to the head. Philip Murphy a decorated violent crimes detective was in the bedroom dead of a self-inflicted gunshot to the head.
The question is, years after her mother’s murder why did Anne Morell Petrillo take her own life? Unfortunately, I know the answer.
The world expects surviving family members of homicide victims to transition the all consuming pain of loss into one of “getting on” or getting over the grief.” When a loved one dies under tragic circumstances the human mind plays the game of “if only I had gotten to the aid of that person” I could have saved them from being killed. If only I did not go out with my friends or not stopped for gas I could have somehow prevented the tragedy. A crime victim plays out the day, hour and moment leading up where the hands on the clock stopped moving to when they received the news or discovered the bloody body as if they were watching their lives while glued to a chair playing on a movie screen. The tragedy is paralyzing.
There are those who seemingly move past the grief like John Walsh whose son Adam was abducted and killed, Marc Klaas whose daughter Polly was sexually assaulted and murdered. But the truth is, they have not, instead each man has bravely channeled their energies to implement laws and hold the legal system accountable for those who prey on innocent and helpless children. Their “purpose driven life” is what allowed them to keep the grief and pain manageable, moving forward to help others.
As a society, there simply is no embrace in the aftermath of tragedy. Society dictates we all move on and as much as we try it is not possible to accomplish. Long after the lines of friends and family surround us in our darkest hour before our loved one is laid to rest, we as homicide victims are forced to proceed with our lives. Promises of remaining in contact by friends and family vanish when we attempt to talk about the tragedy or how much we miss the person. We are not invited out to dinner, nor called to see how we are doing. Instead, the survivor is pointed towards or referred to those in the mental health profession for guidance to assist them with the pain, because they too, those who knew us best prior to the tragedy, do not want to be reminded.
Twenty years have passed since the murder of my mother and suicide of my father. For me and thousands of others, each day is a constant struggle to find the hope and light that fuels our very existence.
Anne Morell Petrillo did not opt out of life because it was easy. She took her own life because society, those who initially surrounded and loved her, evacuated, taking with them the hope and light that she so desperately needed to survive.
Posted by Susan Murphy Milano on "Time's Up"
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/
http://www.susanmurphymilano.com
http://murphymilanojournal.com
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/susanmurphy...
http://justiceinterrupted.blogspot.com
http://peace4missing.ning.com
For more information or to get help, please call:
THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
THE NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE AT 1-800-656-4673
All calls are anonymous and confidential.
For information on “Making a safety plan” go to website: http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml or visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline website: http://www.ndvh.org/
Keep in mind, all computer (and cell phone) use can be monitored; use a computer away from home!
This article of Susan's is an accurate representation of life as a surviving victim of homicide.
The Evacuation of Hope
By Susan Murphy Milano
I was a shaken as I read the news headline last week “Domestic Violence leads to yet another death Anne Morell Petrillo. Forget for a moment that this 38 year-old woman whom committed suicide was the daughter of heiress to the Scripps newspaper fortune.
In January of 1993, the then 22 year-old Anne found her mother Anne Scripps Douglas', 47, beaten and unconscious in the master bedroom of her New York home. Her mother never regained consciousness and died in the hospital a few days later. Anne’s step-father, a suspect, was not formally charged at the time for beating his wife to death with a hammer. He eventually committed suicide 3-months later jumping to his death from the exact same place that Anne Morell Petrillo chose to end her life.
In 1989, 5 years earlier, in Chicago, Roberta Murphy, also 47 years of age, would be discovered by her daughter, on the kitchen floor, dead with a bullet to the head. Philip Murphy a decorated violent crimes detective was in the bedroom dead of a self-inflicted gunshot to the head.
The question is, years after her mother’s murder why did Anne Morell Petrillo take her own life? Unfortunately, I know the answer.
The world expects surviving family members of homicide victims to transition the all consuming pain of loss into one of “getting on” or getting over the grief.” When a loved one dies under tragic circumstances the human mind plays the game of “if only I had gotten to the aid of that person” I could have saved them from being killed. If only I did not go out with my friends or not stopped for gas I could have somehow prevented the tragedy. A crime victim plays out the day, hour and moment leading up where the hands on the clock stopped moving to when they received the news or discovered the bloody body as if they were watching their lives while glued to a chair playing on a movie screen. The tragedy is paralyzing.
There are those who seemingly move past the grief like John Walsh whose son Adam was abducted and killed, Marc Klaas whose daughter Polly was sexually assaulted and murdered. But the truth is, they have not, instead each man has bravely channeled their energies to implement laws and hold the legal system accountable for those who prey on innocent and helpless children. Their “purpose driven life” is what allowed them to keep the grief and pain manageable, moving forward to help others.
As a society, there simply is no embrace in the aftermath of tragedy. Society dictates we all move on and as much as we try it is not possible to accomplish. Long after the lines of friends and family surround us in our darkest hour before our loved one is laid to rest, we as homicide victims are forced to proceed with our lives. Promises of remaining in contact by friends and family vanish when we attempt to talk about the tragedy or how much we miss the person. We are not invited out to dinner, nor called to see how we are doing. Instead, the survivor is pointed towards or referred to those in the mental health profession for guidance to assist them with the pain, because they too, those who knew us best prior to the tragedy, do not want to be reminded.
Twenty years have passed since the murder of my mother and suicide of my father. For me and thousands of others, each day is a constant struggle to find the hope and light that fuels our very existence.
Anne Morell Petrillo did not opt out of life because it was easy. She took her own life because society, those who initially surrounded and loved her, evacuated, taking with them the hope and light that she so desperately needed to survive.
Posted by Susan Murphy Milano on "Time's Up"
http://timesupblog.blogspot.com/
http://www.susanmurphymilano.com
http://murphymilanojournal.com
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/susanmurphy...
http://justiceinterrupted.blogspot.com
http://peace4missing.ning.com
For more information or to get help, please call:
THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
THE NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE AT 1-800-656-4673
All calls are anonymous and confidential.
For information on “Making a safety plan” go to website: http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml or visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline website: http://www.ndvh.org/
Keep in mind, all computer (and cell phone) use can be monitored; use a computer away from home!
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