Tuesday, February 21, 2012
I have struggled my entire life with shyness and delicate sensitivities. I find the world harsh and excessively loud, intrusive, and oftentimes painful due to it's callous and crude mannerisms. I can remember as a child seeking ways of calming and comforting myself when I'd been "out there" for a while. As an adult, I seek refuge in my home, in my family, and in my art. It has always been me against the world. I'm awed by folks who walk freely with no awareness or sensitivities to the pains such that I experience by simply leaving home to enter a crowd or a place as quiet as a coffee shop. Suffering through to manage any normal activity often leaves me exhausted for days due to the amount of energy it takes, the amount of courage I must muster, to engage in a world I find so abrasive. I feel, honestly, feel the energy of every person I am encountered with, their thoughts pour into my being and interrupt my peace. Barraged with energies and emotions that collide with my own, I use all my stores to shake it off; I feel pain all the time with the work of sensing other's pain. I prefer to stay in my home as a means to escape all this suffering. When I began practicing my clay sculpture, at first I would cover every piece with texture in an attempt to armor them from the world, myself from the world. I'm working on moving beyond this now by creating human forms that are naked and expressing my own pain through them.
I also have discovered so many years late, that armoring myself with scarves, coats, jackets, often provide me with a sense of protection from this world that I am far too sensitive to survive in without.