Missing Sister

My sister came to me today in a Spirit Guide meditation. She was dressed beautifully in flowing reds and yellows. We met on a mountain forest trail on a warm sunny day. I held her close to me tightly for the longest time, taking in the smell of her hair, her skin, the feel of her heartbeat against my chest. When she pulled away she looked me in the eye and said, "You need to let go of all of this now." I told her how deeply I wanted to, but that I couldn't remember any of the good times. I felt all I had left of her was her cold form lying in the coffin, the words echoing in the courtroom, the autopsy photos; the smell of death in her apartment. She said, "I'm here with you. I'll send memories of the good times to you, don't worry about me." I couldn't let go of her, she told me to say goodbye, so I did and she walked away.

I struggle to release myself from the grief and all that has come my way since her death. Today, I practiced a type of visualization to further my goal of releasing the trauma and grief from my body. I highly recommend Shakti Gawain's book, "Creative Visualization" as a guide to anyone, to everyone.

I am opening my heart and mind to receive all the good of my sister and release all the memories of her murderer's act. God be with me and all of you suffering with loss.

HIGH EXPECTATIONS LEAVE ME LOW

Recently I received news that a friend of mine from the past committed suicide. I found myself lost for days in grief over this news. I drowned in the river of grief from the past, so much grief for lost time, so much pain of my own resurfaced. I sincerely understand my friend's choice. I, myself, struggle with moments of darkness that drive me to find a final release. I understand feeling misunderstood and alone. I know the frustration of lost expectation in myself and in others. The, almost constant, disappointment from high expectations and visions of perfection that never quite meet the bar. I know the fatigue of rarely having a really great day, a healthy-free from chronic illness suffering-day. I know the feeling of seeing myself from across the room so very emotionally taxed that I could scream, run, do absolutely anything to relieve the tension. I am full with the endless daily "to-do's" and "re-do's" that are mostly care-taking tasks for others. I am bored with it and mourn the lost days of living care-free. I wonder if they really ever existed. Mostly, I'm tired of caring so much, of feeling so much, of worrying so much about everyone I know: family, friends, the ill neighbor, the grieving widow, rescued dogs and children. For as long as I can remember, I've cared too much, so to speak. I recall a girlfriend of mine replying when asked why she didn't do something for someone with "Because I didn't want to." I was dumbfounded. How could that be an option? I still ask that question. Since her response floored me and made me question my own actions, I have been working on putting myself, my wants, first. I often fail, realizing too late that I've exhausted myself for someone and now have nothing left to give to myself. I remember saying to my husband recently, "what if we interacted with everyone we came in contact with as if that meeting was for their benefit solely?" His tongue-in-cheek response: "I think that would make you Jesus." Well, no, I am not quite that good, not even close....this posting is about my frustration with caring and not taking more for myself. I understand taking one's life when feeling overwhelmed. I know that desire. I GET wanting to escape this life of expecting so much and receiving so little and that downward fall into isolation from being forgotten again. I do share the responsibility; I have built my part in this relationship with folks in my life. Those who care about me have been lucky so far; I have managed to make it through that despairing moment each time. I survive one more day again. But, to you my dear friend Ross, I understand and I would have expressed this to you had I known you swam in the same water as I. Life is so much more painful than I expected, than anyone prepared me for. I am not alone in my sentiment. I struggle daily to focus on JOY.

Missing Sister

My sister came to me today in a Spirit Guide meditation. She was dressed beautifully in flowing reds and yellows. We met on a mountain forest trail on a warm sunny day. I held her close to me tightly for the longest time, taking in the smell of her hair, her skin, the feel of her heartbeat against my chest. When she pulled away she looked me in the eye and said, "You need to let go of all of this now." I told her how deeply I wanted to, but that I couldn't remember any of the good times. I felt all I had left of her was her cold form lying in the coffin, the words echoing in the courtroom, the autopsy photos; the smell of death in her apartment. She said, "I'm here with you. I'll send memories of the good times to you, don't worry about me." I couldn't let go of her, she told me to say goodbye, so I did and she walked away.
I struggle to release myself from the grief and all that has come my way since her death. Today, I practiced a type of visualization to further my goal of releasing the trauma and grief from my body. I highly recommend Shakti Gawain's book, "Creative Visualization" as a guide to anyone, to everyone.

I am opening my heart and mind to receive all the good of my sister and release all the memories of her murder's act. God be with me and all of you suffering with loss.

Dedicated to the Guests of My Life; words to carry you.

I am weary from working on getting my blog site set up, all the networking, and registering that comes with that. I've needed to call upon my toolbox of resources today to keep moving forward. In my grief, following my sister's death, I stumbled upon a book of meditations at the bookstore, not really looking for anything in particular I found myself blessed with every page in the years that followed. I have since gifted copies to several people over the past 10 years with the hopes that it would carry them the way it carried me on the days I felt my faith slipping from me, like sand through my fingers into an ocean of grief.
My copy of "Healing After Loss, Daily Meditations for Working through Grief" written by Martha Whitmore Hickman, has most every page dog-eared or stuffed with the nearest scrap of paper I could reach to mark my essential hold-me-together-that-moment life jacket of inspirational words.
I'm not sad today, just tired. Fatigue burdens my spirit as heavily as sadness. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the book I count on to boost my spirit; just a little kick...

"Watch your way then, as a cautious traveller; and don't be gazing at that mountain or river in the distance, and saying, "How shall I ever get over them?" but keep to the present little inch that is before you, and accomplish that in the little moment that belongs to it. The mountain and the river can only be passed in the same way; and, when you come to them, you will come to the light and strength that belong to them." ---M.A. Kelty

"Why not" is a slogan for an interesting life." --Mason Cooley

"Love is the heartbeat of all life." --Paramahansa Yogananda

"Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible-not to have run away." --Dag Hammarsjold

"For everything there is a season...a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance..." --Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

"Spirituality is that place where the utterly intimate and the vastly infinite meet." --Rick Fields

"Faith is the bird that feels the light And sings when the dawn is still dark." --Rabindranath Tagore

"Where there is great love, there are always miracles." --Willa Cather

"Feeling light within, I walk." --Navajo Night Chant

"Even in the dark you have the power to whistle." --Frederick Buechner

"It has been well said that no man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear. Never load yourselves so, my friends." --George Macdonald

"Be patient with everyone, but above all with yourself. I mean, do not be disturbed because of your imperfections, and always rise up bravely from a fall. I'm glad that you make daily a new beginning; there is no better means of progress in the spiritual life than to be continually beginning afresh." --Francis De Sales

"At every point in the human journey we find that we have to let go in order to move forward; and letting go means dying a little. In the process we are being created anew, awakened afresh to the source of our being." --Kathleen R. Fischer

"Joy comes from simple and natural things, mists over meadows, sunlight on leaves, the path of the moon over water. Even rain and wind and stormy clouds bring joy, just as knowing animals and flowers and where they live." --Sigurd F. Olson

"He did not say: You will not be troubled, you will not be belabored, you will not be disquieted; but he said: You will not be overcome." --Julian of Norwich

"When you pass through the waters I will be with you: and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." --Isaiah 43:2

"Never forget that you are not alone. The Divine is with you, helping and guiding. He is the companion who never fails, the friend whose love comforts and strengthens. Have faith and He will do everything for you." --Aurobindo (Hindu)

"I pray to the birds because I believe they will carry the messages of my heart upward. I pray to them because I believe in their existence, the way their songs begin and end each day--the invocations and benedictions of Earth. I pray to the birds because they remind me of what I love rather than what I fear. And at the end of my prayers, they teach me to listen." Terry Tempest Williams

"The moment comes when our eyes are opened, and we see and realize that grace is infinite. Grace, my friends, demands nothing from us but that we shall await it, in confidence and acknowledge it in gratitude...that which we have chosen is given us, and that which we have refused is also, and at the same time granted us...that which we have rejected is poured upon us abundantly." --Isak Dinesen

"How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick, til rising and gliding out I wander'd off by myself, In the mystical moist night air, and from time to time, Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars." --Walt Whitman

"When I lay (my) questions before God, I get no answer. But a rather special sort of NO answer. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace Child; you don't understand." --C.S. Lewis

This last one I share is dedicated to all of you who visit this site, read these posts, and support me every day with your presence and inspirational comments. I liked this one so much I named one of my Yorkies, Guest!

"Guests of my life, You came in the early dawn, and you in the night.
Your name was uttered by the Spring flowers and yours by the showers of rain.
You brought the harp into my house and you brought the lamp.
After you had taken your leave I found God's footprints on my floor." --Rabindranath Tagore

Thank you.

Martha Whitmore Hickman web url: http://marthawhitmorehickman.com/index.htm

--Victoria Hart

All Women Are Sisters

All Women Are Sisters

A woman was murdered and another woman was wounded beyond repair. I wish I could say this is a unique situation.
Domestic violence knows no socioeconomic or educational boundaries and yet we as women rarely speak publicly on this injustice. Women empowering women must discuss this often swept under the rug subject, otherwise who are we kidding? Women need to speak together loudly to strengthen the spirits of these women who have lost their voices. We must lend them ours.
The time for conversation about domestic abuse has passed for many. The following is one woman’s expression following the violent murder of her sister at the hands of a boyfriend, nearly 10 years ago.
THE VISITOR
“ A visitor comes to my door unexpectedly, unannounced, uninvited even. He walks into the kitchen and engages me in conversation about her, her violent death, who killed her. He carries my thoughts to the funeral home and I’m reminded of her in the casket, her face heavily made-up to cover the blue bruised skin, her scratched swollen hands, and the emptiness. Mostly I’m reminded of how empty the room feels. I hear my Mother’s wail as they close the casket. I see my husband and brother carry my Mother to the car. The scenes scan across my mind like a movie, unreal.
He especially enjoys taking me to the murder trial, where I see the hollow man sit on the chopping block awaiting his sentence for a crime he seems oblivious to. I listen to his friends condemning testimonies citing his boasting about the strength of his hands. I feel compassion for his Mother crying in a bewildered state. I argue with the visitor, “This is not a memory I care to recall,” but he insists that we discuss it. He is strong and relentless in presence.
He reminds me of the autopsy photos carelessly passed around the courtroom with cavalier disregard toward my family’s suffering. He tells me I was right to take the stand to present photos of my sister and testify about who she was and how she looked before she was strangled. I tell him I don’t feel so right about any of it. I ask him to leave. He does not.
I attempt to reminisce about my sister’s hearty and vivacious spirit. I recall as children the times we braided dandelions into tiaras to don in our sun-bleached hair. I tell him how she held my hand when I was afraid and whispered to me in the dark sweet stories until I fell asleep. I describe her beauty and playful cat green eyes. He diverts my attention back to the funeral and I pull away. “Please let me remember her life for just a while longer.” It seems I cannot, the violent way she died left indelible marks on my heart, tainting my memory. I struggle to free myself from the ugliness of it all. He continues talking, tormenting me, until I cannot cry any longer and feel numb.
I pull myself away from everyone in my life, seeking refuge from the pain. I cry alone at night quietly, hoping not to disturb anyone. The Visitor stays close by, watches, and talks some more. He is a rude, wicked creature impaling me with his words until I am beaten and exhausted; until I care not about life at all.
I never know when he will visit or how long he will stay. When he leaves I am dragged in the current, further away from her. With each visit he takes more of her from me. I feel worse, not better. I feel alone. Days pass before I am able to walk confidently again.
I miss my sister and I was able to forgive her murderer, but I cannot forgive The Visitor, who continues to make me relive the pain. I struggle to hold the memories of her beauty with peace in my heart.
My visitor may visit you as well. You may recognize him as grief.”

Do you know a woman suffering abuse, sexual assault, or stalking? Share this story with her if it helps you initiate a dialogue. Be supportive, nonjudgmental, and let her know you are concerned for her safety. Gather her with other women to strengthen her spirit. For more information on how to help a friend visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website at http://www.ndvh.org/.
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, talk about it to your friends, to clergy, and to your loved ones. Get away to a motel, a friend or relative’s home, or a shelter. Make a safety plan. There is no reason to feel shame. You are not alone.
In the U.S., according to the Centers for Disease Control, 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. One in every 4 women experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Everyday 3 women die as a result of domestic violence, that’s 1,200 deaths per year.
It is my hope that by sharing this story a life will be saved, your sister’s life, your girlfriend’s life, or perhaps yours.

For more information or to get help, please call:
THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
THE NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE AT 1-800-656-4673
All calls are anonymous and confidential.
For information on “Making a safety plan” go to website: http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml or visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline website: http://www.ndvh.org/
Keep in mind, all computer (and cell phone) use can be monitored; use a computer away from home!

VICTORIA HART-Freelance Writer