TOMATO CATSUP OR KETCHUP

My Grandmother, faced with the end of summer bounty of tomatoes, created her own catsup recipe for preserving them. She made a hot catsup by stewing together tomatoes, onions, red bell peppers and spices, all kept roughly chopped much like a salsa. Scrabbled eggs served with her catsup is a memory I salivate over. When my Grandfather died, my Grandmother was forced to sell the farm and move to a small house in town, that was the end of the tomato catsup, but not the end of my love affair. Sadly, the recipe was not written down and lost when we lost her.

My Mother and Grandmother use the word catsup; ketchup and catsup are used interchangeably, there is no difference in the actual condiment. Ketchup originated in China as a kind of fish sauce, soy based, no tomatoes at all in the recipe. It was not until it was introduced in the late 1700's to the New England area were tomatoes added. The word catsup is typically used east of the Mississippi. In the 1980's, the U.S. government declared ketchup a vegetable for use in the school lunches; for marketing purposes, producers changed the name across the U.S. to KETCHUP. My Mom still says catsup! or CATCHUP! either word, it's pretty tasty.

I have recently come across 3 recipes for homemade catsup/ketchup which I'd like to share. Give them a try, bet you won't go back to the store bought versions. I found these, of all places, in the magazine-note the irony-"Metropolitan Home." This is simple, basic and has 3 flavor options; my favorite is the Five Spice Ginger.

Classic American Ketchup Recipe:

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp. canola oil
• ½ cup finely chopped onion
• 1 tsp. minced garlic
• 1½ tsp. dry mustard
• ¾ tsp. salt
• 2 lbs. ripe tomatoes (about 4 medium), peeled and coarsely chopped
• 1 tbsp. tomato paste
• ¼ tsp. freshly ground black pepper
• ¼ tsp. cayenne pepper
• ¼ tsp. mace
• ¼ tsp. ground cinnamon
• ½ tsp. ground allspice
• 1½ tbsp. maple syrup
• ¼ cup cider vinegar

Directions

(1) In a medium nonreactive saucepan, heat canola oil and add onion, garlic, dry mustard and salt. Cook for about 10 minutes, until softened.

(2) Add tomatoes, tomato paste and spices. Cook for about 20 minutes over medium heat, stirring often to prevent scorching. Gently break down tomatoes with the back of a wooden spoon while cooking.

(3) Add maple syrup and cider vinegar and continue to cook, stirring for another 10 minutes, until mixture has a thick sauce consistency.

(4) Purée using an immersion blender or cool briefly before puréeing in a standard blender. Pour into a jar and cool completely before covering and refrigerating. Ketchup will keep, covered and refrigerated, for about a month. Makes 1 pint and can easily be multiplied.

****Variation:

Smoky Saffron Ketchup Recipe

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp. canola oil
• ½ cup finely chopped onion
• 1 tsp. minced garlic
• 1½ tsp. dry mustard
• ¾ tsp. salt
• 2 lbs. ripe tomatoes (about 4 medium), peeled and coarsely chopped
• 1 tbsp. tomato paste
• ½ tsp. smoked paprika
• ¼ tsp. saffron threads
• ½ tsp. piment d'Espelette (or substitute ¼ tsp. cayenne pepper and ¼ tsp. red pepper flakes)
• 1 tbsp. honey
• ¼ cup sherry vinegar

Directions

(1) In a medium nonreactive saucepan, heat canola oil and add onion, garlic, dry mustard and salt. Cook for about 10 minutes, until softened.

(2) Add tomatoes, tomato paste and spices. Cook for about 20 minutes over medium heat, stirring often to prevent scorching. Gently break down tomatoes with the back of a wooden spoon while cooking.

(3) Add honey and add vinegar and continue to cook, stirring for another 10 minutes, until mixture has a thick sauce consistency.

(4) Purée using an immersion blender or cool briefly before puréeing in a standard blender. Pour into a jar and cool completely before covering and refrigerating. Ketchup will keep, covered and refrigerated, for about a month. Makes 1 pint and can easily be multiplied.

**Variation:

Five-Spice Ginger Ketchup Recipe

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp. canola oil
• ½ cup finely chopped onion
• 1 tsp. minced garlic
• 1½ tsp. dry mustard
• ¾ tsp. salt
• 2 lbs. ripe tomatoes (about 4 medium), peeled and coarsely chopped
• 1 tbsp. tomato paste
• 2 tsp. freshly grated gingerroot
• ¾ tsp. five-spice powder
• ½ tsp. cayenne pepper
• 1 tbsp. light brown sugar
• ¼ cup rice vinegar

Directions

(1) In a medium nonreactive saucepan, heat canola oil and add onion, garlic, dry mustard and salt. Cook for about 10 minutes, until softened.

(2) Add tomatoes, tomato paste and spices. Cook for about 20 minutes over medium heat, stirring often to prevent scorching. Gently break down tomatoes with the back of a wooden spoon while cooking.

(3) Add light brown sugar and rice vinegar and continue to cook, stirring for another 10 minutes, until mixture has a thick sauce consistency.

(4) Purée using an immersion blender or cool briefly before puréeing in a standard blender. Pour into a jar and cool completely before covering and refrigerating. Ketchup will keep, covered and refrigerated, for about a month. Makes 1 pint and can easily be multiplied.


Remember, Have Fun! and Enjoy!
--V

LOVE and QUICHE...

My husband prepared brunch for me at his house on our second date. I drove from Denver up high into the mountains to his lovely home on a most gorgeous fall day. When I got there, he had prepared for us fresh fruit, fresh orange juice, and homemade, he made, quiche. I was delighted and it was delicious. After filling our bellies we set out for a hike and the exchange of good conversation. He was a very attractive man, and I should say still is, but I was a bit jaded about guys at the time and it would take more to impress me. No doubt the quiche was good, the hike was lovely, but it wasn't until I was leaving that I really saw him, that I was interested in him. The simplest act can reveal one's true character; as he walked me out to my car he noticed my front license plate was hanging by one screw, he grabbed a screwdriver, climbed under the front bumper, down in the dirt and fixed it without even a second thought. Then he had my attention, and kept it, we were married 8 months later. We are still together after 13 years and when I need him, he is always ready to help. If I'm lucky, he makes the quiche!
I'm not saying this will work for all of you looking to win your love over, but there is conclusive evidence! Starting with the quiche is a good idea.

This recipe takes time, but is simple and it makes a lot, so you can keep it in the fridge and get a few meals out of it. (This also presents well when inviting friends over for dinner or breakfast.)


Crustless Spinach Quiche:

6 scallions, chopped or 1/2 onion chopped
2 jalapenos minced (optional)
2 tspfuls minced garlic
1/2 medium sized red bell pepper chopped (optional)
1 lb baby spinach leaves, or chopped mature spinach leaves

Saute in olive oil first 4 ingredients until tender, add spinach, turn heat down and allow moisture to cook off, this will take several minutes.

In the meantime, in a bowl combine the following:
7 eggs beaten with 1 Tablespoon cream
1 lb Muenster cheese shredded
1/2 lb smoked Gouda shredded
8 oz sliced cremini or button mushrooms
salt and pepper to taste
1 can, 8 oz or 16 oz, canned Salmon, drained, picked over, flaked, (optional-I often opt out on this ingredient, personal preference, but it is a nice change at times and makes much more of a complete meal if added.)

Combine skillet mixture with egg mixture and blend. Pour into 2 qt capacity round casserole dish prepped with cooking spray, (bottom and sides.) Spread evenly in pan, bake at 350 degrees for approximately 45 mins, check center with fork or toothpick for wetness; quiche will continue to cook a bit after removing from oven so a little bit of wetness on fork is desired, use your best judgment here. Allow to cool a bit before serving or refrigerate and serve later chilled.
This is fantastic alone, or served with fruit or a salad.

Remember, it's just food; Have Fun! and Enjoy.
--Victoria

SPIRIT TRIBES

The greatest joy in writing and sharing what I write is that people are free to take their mood and emotion and apply it to what I share. They feel unified, acknowledged, and validated as if I'm speaking only to them and I understand, and they, in turn, understand me. I am driven to write to foster this relationship with others; discovering and strengthening the common thread between us.

I have a few special friends that are songwriters. Their song is sung and each member of the audience has their own personal experience to apply to the words, their own life's perspective comes into view just a little clearer for them.

I have often said, I wish I could sing beautifully so other's lives were embellished with joy from my voice. I can't sing, but I can try to write something worth your time, something that makes you feel your heart beat in your chest just a little stronger, something that takes your breath away, something that makes you think a new thought, heartens or inspires you. I hope to gift those of you taking time to read my words with some form of validation and love.

I wrote the following poem after meeting one of my songwriter friends. It's not about love, although if you want to read it that way you can, but rather about recognizing another's spirit. We are all in this together and some of us have been hanging out closely, often unbeknownst to us, for many many lifetimes. We are of the same spirit tribe. I need all of you, all of the time.

I can't wait to meet more of my spirit tribe!!

Here is the poem, I hope you like it.

********************************************************************
Spirit Tribe

I met you in a song you sang

Your spirit revealed itself under the music.

In that moment, I knew I'd met you before.

You recognized me as well, pulling me into you, holding me
tight like a lost friend found.

We ARE from the same spirit tribe.

We have travelled together in other lives.

In this life, we have come too far alone.

Will we overcome the lost time....?

Habits of this life without you,
Habits of your life without me?

Your spirit pulls me like a ribbon wrapped round my heart,
tender and strong. Relentless...
I get no rest from it.

Where ever you are, part of me leans in that direction.
Lonely misery owns (parts of) me.

Sing me a song sweet bird.
********************************************************************

Victoria Hart

TOO TIRED TO CARE...

TOO TIRED TO CARE...
Ever have that feeling that you are too tired to care? too tired to do anything about what it is you really care about, tired of fighting for what you want? All the while, there is the part of you that still cares standing in the shadows watching, voiceless, not because things don't matter anymore, but because the part that is too tired also happens to be the stronger part of you at the time...self preservation, perhaps. Sometimes giving up is an action of saving oneself for a stronger fight, a stronger stand, at a later time.
When you find yourself giving in or giving up, notice it with reverence instead of discouragement. Try not to get down on yourself, your strength will return. Honor your choice not to care and honor your body with rest and loving kindness. Be kind to yourself. Engage in therapeutic behaviors that restore your spirit.
When I'm too tired to care, it is often because I'm way behind the 8 ball in looking after my own needs, they pile up like laundry after a long vacation. Most of my "too tired,” is psychological fatigue. I lose hope. I'm too tired to hope for a better day. Where do I begin? Then I remember, it is always the same answer: one step in front of the other and repeat. Before long, I have completed one task and feel a boost of self placement; ready to move onto the next task and so forth.
When my father was alive, he would always end our telephone conversations with "Keep Your Chin Up"...his voice rings through my mind; to honor him and his love for me, I think in mantra formation, "I'm keeping my chin up." That's my first step. My second step: practice gratitude, simply look around and find one thing that represents love, life, nature, or faith. Nature is the perfect place to find faith. Vegetation and animals don't question the next moment, they live in the present, they believe with faith that moment which comes next will provide all that they need.
Lately, I've been much too tired to care. I practiced my mantra, my gratitude, and I got dressed and drove to my doctor appointment yesterday. On the way home, I was feeling very proud of myself, capable even. Then I was tripped and tested; while driving down a busy neighborhood street, two squirrels ran out to cross the street, one playfully chasing the other, about a block ahead of me. Several cars were traveling in front of me and I watched as the squirrels realized the threat and one ran back, the other ran across the street. As I approached, I expected the second squirrel to run out, but found instead the first squirrel lying in the road injured after running under a car. I pulled over, grabbed a glove from my glove box, walked the block back and waited while traffic stopped and veered around the injured squirrel to miss running it over again. I walked out to her and with gloved hand lifted her from the street, her side was busted open, and as she looked up at me, I spoke softly to her. I laid her down in a mound of ivy on the edge of a yard, and she let go and was gone. I felt her thank me. I heard her partner screeching from the tree across the street. Curiously, I felt no sadness, instead I felt blessed. Blessed to have been a part of that sweet creature’s last moment, blessed to have been there to carry her from the pavement and into a dignified resting place. I think she felt blessed as well.
On the drive home, I realized that my "keep your chin up" mantra and carrying myself with faith, allowed me to help someone, to do something for another being. Something that mattered. I realized, I was not "too tired to care."

--Victoria Hart


(You have to pay attention to catch the good stuff.)

"A FEW OF MY FAVE THINGS"

These are a few things that make me smile and settle my soul. I feel calm in the presence of a soulful cow. I feel my creator in the Colorado mountains and wildflowers, especially when graced with bees and butterflies. My yard is filled with birds, birds, birds, who sing passionately to me. I work my garden with a meditative spirit; this is my first try at growing eggplants-this poor fella probably won't mature before the cold sets in. I am gratefully blessed with Yorkies!, big and small ones. Something magical happens when a dragonfly stops by and sits on my shrub, he, by the way, was quite the camera show dog! Who doesn't love sunflowers?
I hope you find a moment of peace, laughter, and joy here. Welcome to my heart.

• 

Missing The Verve

Looking out the front door screen, I was annoyed by the bushy, unruly growth of the two trees in my front yard. The wet summer weather in Colorado this year was a delight, but pruning must ensue. A woman I remember well, grabbed the hand clippers with verve and breezed past me out the door and into action, clipping away at the wayward branches. Stooping, reaching, and stretching she worked as I watched with intrigue and awe. Two tiny hands working together with a tiny, inadequate tool cutting and snapping the branches until they fell to the ground. After an hour of this, I went out and asked if she was doing okay. She assured me she was and mumbled something about "more branches must got"...and the clipping continued. She was fierce with her energy and focus. Two hours passed and I, again, approached her, "are you doing okay?" I asked. She looked at me, seeing right through me, glaring at something in her mind, "You know, maybe I'm finished now." Just like that she walked straight into the house still holding tightly to the hand clippers leaving behind a blanket of limbs and leaves covering the grass.
I didn't see her any more that day and without even a goodbye she was gone. Standing in a daze of exhaustion, I looked down at my red, swollen, blistered, and tortured hands. How could she do this to me again, leave me here drained and battered after her 2 hour festivity?
Glimpses of my former self come to me in small increments. Sadness comes along with it and I long for the woman with the vivacious spirit to permanently infuse my body again. I haven't let go of the hope that she will return, but it has been a long time and her visits come less frequently. When I'm fueled, I tackle a task foolhardily, lacking the where-with-all to practice moderation. I guess, I forget about the new, easily fatigued me, the fragile girl, (the one I refuse to accept) and revel in the gift of strength and energy. Like an alcoholic taking back the drink, I am drunk and happy and with that reasoning goes to the way side. Later, I'm the drunk after the party, suffering the repercussions. My husband misses her too; I'm not the girl he married in some ways. He is loving and supportive. Late that afternoon, after he carried the branches away and raked the leaves from the yard, I asked him, "so, how do the trees look?"...he answered in his sweet accepting voice, "they are perfect!"
Wish I was too...
Diabetes is not the culprit this time, although some fatigue comes from always fighting an illness due to my beaten down immune system and all the viruses that tackle me. Most of my fatigue comes from the post traumatic stress coursing through my nervous system. A dancer of constant vigilance watching for the next life threatening danger dances in a circular formation through my body, round and round, assessing every sound and movement around me until my energy is completly used up. My brain goes silent and still, but the dancer continues to dance. At night while I sleep, she dances to keep the demons at bay, she dances away the nightmare; at the slightest sign of danger she dances me awake. I love her and she dances with grace and beauty, but sometimes I wish she'd allow me an intermission. Go dance on someone else's stage for a while and let me live with spontaneity and fearlessness!
In time, I hope to be free and blessed with a life I can live without fatigue, free of the tireless dancer.

Dedicated to the Guests of My Life; words to carry you.

I am weary from working on getting my blog site set up, all the networking, and registering that comes with that. I've needed to call upon my toolbox of resources today to keep moving forward. In my grief, following my sister's death, I stumbled upon a book of meditations at the bookstore, not really looking for anything in particular I found myself blessed with every page in the years that followed. I have since gifted copies to several people over the past 10 years with the hopes that it would carry them the way it carried me on the days I felt my faith slipping from me, like sand through my fingers into an ocean of grief.
My copy of "Healing After Loss, Daily Meditations for Working through Grief" written by Martha Whitmore Hickman, has most every page dog-eared or stuffed with the nearest scrap of paper I could reach to mark my essential hold-me-together-that-moment life jacket of inspirational words.
I'm not sad today, just tired. Fatigue burdens my spirit as heavily as sadness. Here are a few of my favorite quotes from the book I count on to boost my spirit; just a little kick...

"Watch your way then, as a cautious traveller; and don't be gazing at that mountain or river in the distance, and saying, "How shall I ever get over them?" but keep to the present little inch that is before you, and accomplish that in the little moment that belongs to it. The mountain and the river can only be passed in the same way; and, when you come to them, you will come to the light and strength that belong to them." ---M.A. Kelty

"Why not" is a slogan for an interesting life." --Mason Cooley

"Love is the heartbeat of all life." --Paramahansa Yogananda

"Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible-not to have run away." --Dag Hammarsjold

"For everything there is a season...a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance..." --Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

"Spirituality is that place where the utterly intimate and the vastly infinite meet." --Rick Fields

"Faith is the bird that feels the light And sings when the dawn is still dark." --Rabindranath Tagore

"Where there is great love, there are always miracles." --Willa Cather

"Feeling light within, I walk." --Navajo Night Chant

"Even in the dark you have the power to whistle." --Frederick Buechner

"It has been well said that no man ever sank under the burden of the day. It is when tomorrow's burden is added to the burden of today that the weight is more than a man can bear. Never load yourselves so, my friends." --George Macdonald

"Be patient with everyone, but above all with yourself. I mean, do not be disturbed because of your imperfections, and always rise up bravely from a fall. I'm glad that you make daily a new beginning; there is no better means of progress in the spiritual life than to be continually beginning afresh." --Francis De Sales

"At every point in the human journey we find that we have to let go in order to move forward; and letting go means dying a little. In the process we are being created anew, awakened afresh to the source of our being." --Kathleen R. Fischer

"Joy comes from simple and natural things, mists over meadows, sunlight on leaves, the path of the moon over water. Even rain and wind and stormy clouds bring joy, just as knowing animals and flowers and where they live." --Sigurd F. Olson

"He did not say: You will not be troubled, you will not be belabored, you will not be disquieted; but he said: You will not be overcome." --Julian of Norwich

"When you pass through the waters I will be with you: and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." --Isaiah 43:2

"Never forget that you are not alone. The Divine is with you, helping and guiding. He is the companion who never fails, the friend whose love comforts and strengthens. Have faith and He will do everything for you." --Aurobindo (Hindu)

"I pray to the birds because I believe they will carry the messages of my heart upward. I pray to them because I believe in their existence, the way their songs begin and end each day--the invocations and benedictions of Earth. I pray to the birds because they remind me of what I love rather than what I fear. And at the end of my prayers, they teach me to listen." Terry Tempest Williams

"The moment comes when our eyes are opened, and we see and realize that grace is infinite. Grace, my friends, demands nothing from us but that we shall await it, in confidence and acknowledge it in gratitude...that which we have chosen is given us, and that which we have refused is also, and at the same time granted us...that which we have rejected is poured upon us abundantly." --Isak Dinesen

"How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick, til rising and gliding out I wander'd off by myself, In the mystical moist night air, and from time to time, Look'd up in perfect silence at the stars." --Walt Whitman

"When I lay (my) questions before God, I get no answer. But a rather special sort of NO answer. It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace Child; you don't understand." --C.S. Lewis

This last one I share is dedicated to all of you who visit this site, read these posts, and support me every day with your presence and inspirational comments. I liked this one so much I named one of my Yorkies, Guest!

"Guests of my life, You came in the early dawn, and you in the night.
Your name was uttered by the Spring flowers and yours by the showers of rain.
You brought the harp into my house and you brought the lamp.
After you had taken your leave I found God's footprints on my floor." --Rabindranath Tagore

Thank you.

Martha Whitmore Hickman web url: http://marthawhitmorehickman.com/index.htm

--Victoria Hart

Honoring the Divine In You

Just this morning I was thinking I "needed" to practice yoga today. And then I fell into the to-do-list crevasse. How can I spend time relaxing in a gentle pose, while so much needs to be done after so many days of illness?
It is true, taking time out of my day to exercise, often feels like I am displaying a selfish attitude towards my loved ones and friends. But...

Honoring oneself is the root to honoring others. Strengthing this basic foundation by exercising, reading, or doing whatever it is that nourishes your spirit, will provide you with a traquil disposition. When the family arrives home and you all gather together; you prepare dinner, finish the laundry, and help the children with their homework. You will find you have more to give because you have first honored yourself. You will feel peace instead of resentment.

Let me say, that I know by experience, when I don't put myself on the list, at the top of the "to-do" list, I feel resentful and sometimes display outburst of anger, as if it were my family's fault. I must be responsible enough, care enough about them, to take care of myself first, so I will be present with a calm acceptance for whatever they bring home to me.

Many feel exercise, in any form, is a means of nourishing the divine within. Yoga works best for me in this sense. When I practice yoga, my spirit is replenished and cleansed. Of course, yoga is not the only route to a renewed you. A friend of mine, walks every evening with a group of women and they discuss their belief in God and ways to incorporate more of the scripture in their daily lives. I think that is quite a fantastic "movement." I picture the loving fellowship and immense endorphins they must have afterward. What a gift to share with your family, a new, refreshed you.

Love works the same way, we need to find the love for ourselves before we can fully love another. Whatever your starting place is, you can easily more toward more self-love by practicing one simple thing a day to honor yourself; something as easy as a walk around the block with open eyes and a quiet mind unites you with the sweet beauty of the universe.
Whatever you choose to do to honor the divine within you, I promise you will be blessed with serenity. Best of all, you will have more love, respect, and tolerance for yourself. Once you recognize the benefits of gifting yourself with moments of honor, build on it, keep going, keep growing more healthy and more lovable. Create a harmonious life.
(Photo: courtesy of BoulderBodyworks; http://www.boulderbodyworks.com/

All Women Are Sisters

All Women Are Sisters

A woman was murdered and another woman was wounded beyond repair. I wish I could say this is a unique situation.
Domestic violence knows no socioeconomic or educational boundaries and yet we as women rarely speak publicly on this injustice. Women empowering women must discuss this often swept under the rug subject, otherwise who are we kidding? Women need to speak together loudly to strengthen the spirits of these women who have lost their voices. We must lend them ours.
The time for conversation about domestic abuse has passed for many. The following is one woman’s expression following the violent murder of her sister at the hands of a boyfriend, nearly 10 years ago.
THE VISITOR
“ A visitor comes to my door unexpectedly, unannounced, uninvited even. He walks into the kitchen and engages me in conversation about her, her violent death, who killed her. He carries my thoughts to the funeral home and I’m reminded of her in the casket, her face heavily made-up to cover the blue bruised skin, her scratched swollen hands, and the emptiness. Mostly I’m reminded of how empty the room feels. I hear my Mother’s wail as they close the casket. I see my husband and brother carry my Mother to the car. The scenes scan across my mind like a movie, unreal.
He especially enjoys taking me to the murder trial, where I see the hollow man sit on the chopping block awaiting his sentence for a crime he seems oblivious to. I listen to his friends condemning testimonies citing his boasting about the strength of his hands. I feel compassion for his Mother crying in a bewildered state. I argue with the visitor, “This is not a memory I care to recall,” but he insists that we discuss it. He is strong and relentless in presence.
He reminds me of the autopsy photos carelessly passed around the courtroom with cavalier disregard toward my family’s suffering. He tells me I was right to take the stand to present photos of my sister and testify about who she was and how she looked before she was strangled. I tell him I don’t feel so right about any of it. I ask him to leave. He does not.
I attempt to reminisce about my sister’s hearty and vivacious spirit. I recall as children the times we braided dandelions into tiaras to don in our sun-bleached hair. I tell him how she held my hand when I was afraid and whispered to me in the dark sweet stories until I fell asleep. I describe her beauty and playful cat green eyes. He diverts my attention back to the funeral and I pull away. “Please let me remember her life for just a while longer.” It seems I cannot, the violent way she died left indelible marks on my heart, tainting my memory. I struggle to free myself from the ugliness of it all. He continues talking, tormenting me, until I cannot cry any longer and feel numb.
I pull myself away from everyone in my life, seeking refuge from the pain. I cry alone at night quietly, hoping not to disturb anyone. The Visitor stays close by, watches, and talks some more. He is a rude, wicked creature impaling me with his words until I am beaten and exhausted; until I care not about life at all.
I never know when he will visit or how long he will stay. When he leaves I am dragged in the current, further away from her. With each visit he takes more of her from me. I feel worse, not better. I feel alone. Days pass before I am able to walk confidently again.
I miss my sister and I was able to forgive her murderer, but I cannot forgive The Visitor, who continues to make me relive the pain. I struggle to hold the memories of her beauty with peace in my heart.
My visitor may visit you as well. You may recognize him as grief.”

Do you know a woman suffering abuse, sexual assault, or stalking? Share this story with her if it helps you initiate a dialogue. Be supportive, nonjudgmental, and let her know you are concerned for her safety. Gather her with other women to strengthen her spirit. For more information on how to help a friend visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline website at http://www.ndvh.org/.
If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, talk about it to your friends, to clergy, and to your loved ones. Get away to a motel, a friend or relative’s home, or a shelter. Make a safety plan. There is no reason to feel shame. You are not alone.
In the U.S., according to the Centers for Disease Control, 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. One in every 4 women experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Everyday 3 women die as a result of domestic violence, that’s 1,200 deaths per year.
It is my hope that by sharing this story a life will be saved, your sister’s life, your girlfriend’s life, or perhaps yours.

For more information or to get help, please call:
THE NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
THE NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE AT 1-800-656-4673
All calls are anonymous and confidential.
For information on “Making a safety plan” go to website: http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/plan.shtml or visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline website: http://www.ndvh.org/
Keep in mind, all computer (and cell phone) use can be monitored; use a computer away from home!

VICTORIA HART-Freelance Writer

Manners, Minding Them!

My parents, southern born and bred, would have slapped me (well, maybe not slapped, but serious discipline would have been involved) if I used the expression, "YOU LIE".

When I was a child, some expressions were not acceptable to be used in conversation, another example is "shut up"! Seriously, calling someone a liar would often result in a "Billy Jack" incident, and not his "zen" side. Those are fighting words, and least of all, not a great way to move a conversation forward. Silence, that's the result, if not violence. I am opposed to both.

I watched Obama's address with my 12 year old daughter, and I am happy to say, she looked at me with disbelief when she heard these words shouted at the President. It was a grande teaching moment to use to drive home the importance of manners and respect for others in all situations, especially when we disagree. We all disagree at times, but that doesn't mean we can't communicate peacefully and with an open mind.

Be careful about calling another a liar, are you certain you are able to see the complete truth? Risky business insulting another's code of ethics, you insult their character and that's a hard one to take back with an apology. Forgiveness, that's another blog topic....

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Diabetes Type 1 (and two others)

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: Fall, 1982

3. But I had symptoms since: Summer, 1982

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: A total life regime adjustment, daily injection, every 2 hours checking of blood sugar, daily exercise, and best aid of all: viewing food as fuel and consuming the most nutrient dense food possible.

5. Most people assume: I am fit and healthy and life is easy for me.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Waking and still feeling great fatigue. INJECTIONS.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I do enjoy Grey's because I "get" it, thanks to my RN degree.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My glucose monitor; goes with me everywhere and some type of food to raise my blood sugar if needed. If you see me carrying a tiny bag (that woudl be my meter), or a big back pack or purse, it's because I've got lots of stuff to pack with me EVERYWHERE!, much like a baby.

9. The hardest part about nights are: After so many years of Diabetes the body oftentimes stops signaling the nervous system to tell a person when their blood sugar has dropped to a dangerous level. Unlike the famous scene in the movie, "Steel Magnolias" where Julia Roberts has the hypoglycemic reaction symptoms of shaking and sweating, I have no inkling that my blood sugar has dropped. I wake every 2 hours most nights to check my blood sugar. Not a good thing.

10. Each day I take Insulin injections & vitamins. Insulin, no life without it. I take a daily morning injection and injections with food or elevated blood sugar; a walking pin cushion. Well, I do take extra supplements to try to strengthen my immune system, worn down by the daily wear and tear of the Diabetes. I take chromium, cinnamon, vit D, C, Vanadyl. cod liver oil, and eat lots of fruits, veggies, and fish, especially Salmon, full of Omega 3's.

11. Regarding alternative treatments: I think massage and cardio exercise are two of the most under-rated therapies for assisting the immune system and cleansing the body of unwanted toxins. But, by far, the best "alternative treatment" for me is that which lowers my stress response, i.e. exercise-weight training, any creative activity such as pottery, decorating, and of course, writing. Listening to music and dancing alone in the house provide huge boosts of healing energy as well.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Neither! Who deserves to be ill? Life is for living, loving, and laughing. Illness, invisible or not, strikes one down in too many ways. Illness is truly an unnatural state.

13. Regarding working and career: I have not been able to work outside the home for many years. Sadly, when I was working I was often severely penalized by employers for the "bad" days when I couldn't come in to work because I was too sick, blood sugars were elevated, caught the latest virus, etc. Employers ignorant and un-accepting of one's illness can create tremendous pressure on the chronically ill. Did I choose this? Would I choose this? Trust me, even on your worst days at work, you don't ever want to NOT be ABLE to have a job--it robs you of your identity, self-esteem, validation, social interaction, and yes, income. Lack of income makes one worthless in most relationships, fortunately not mine. And what to say when you get the ever so useless and superficial question at social gatherings, "what do you do?" answer "...uh, trying to survive here."

14. People would be surprised to know: Most people see my physical fitness and assume I have not a care in the world about my health. Come spend 24 hours with me anytime.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Well, my reality changes every year. Every year Diabetes is more and more difficult for me to manage for various reasons.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I have never been one to think I couldn't do anything, until lately. Lately, for the first time in 20 odd years of having Diabetes, I am SICK OF IT! I question often whether I can take one more day, deal with one more secondary illness, or have one more sleepless night. I feel suffering and fear more of it.

17. The commercials about my illness: Commercials: lame, set up for pharmaceutical companies monetary gain. Most doctors: lame. What I knew the first day I was diagnosed has not changed. I am the master of my illness. I am the doctor, nurse, and educator of my diabetes. No one knows my illness or how to treat it better than I do.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Yes, you guessed it. Sleeping. Well, I have never missed chowing like others do. I was blessed with the want for healthy food and small portions. I'm tiny and I can't eat much anyway. But, I do really love pie and resent that I can't have as much as I'd like. I also, don't really enjoy being in the room when people are enjoying loads of food, especially PIE.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: Becoming a doctor. I thought the hours would probably take a great toll on me in the years to come. I was probably correct.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: I found working with clay, something I'd never had the advantage of experiencing as a child, to be the greatest gift to my overall well-being. Having my hands in the clay calms every cell of my being; requires much less insulin and brings a smile to my soul. Try it, if you haven't.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Go to work and eat pie! Seriously, it would be nice to leave the house for once without doing the dance of "do I have the: insulin, glucose meter, water, food, or sugar."

22. My illness has taught me: Healthy people haven't a clue how blessed they are; ignorance is bliss. Healthy people haven't a clue about my struggles to manage and survive my illness every single minute. I am never free of thinking questions such as, "what's my blood sugar", "can I eat this or what will I eat at this restaurant", and the worst one is the constant assessment I must do every minute to ensure I don't hit the floor due to hypoglycemia--blind to it most of the time.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "Should you be eating that?" ha...I should say that right back to them. I know I eat really healthfully and most people don't. I can't afford not to.

24. But I love it when people: Treat me like I am intelligent, with dignity. I like it when people offer me the same food as everyone else and let me bow out if I choose. I like it when people say, "do you need to check your blood sugar" because maybe I do, maybe I'm acting funny or choosing the wrong words and don't have the where-with-all to realize it. I also like it when people offer to help me when I need juice or sugar! without freaking out, especially lately since my blood sugar usually has dropped pretty low before I notice it. I also appreciate it when people don't wig out because I'm injecting insulin.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: Two, of many, I'll share: "Keep Hope Alive" by Martin Luther King Jr. and "If you are going through hell, Keep going!" by Winston Churchill. Never give up on yourself. Believe.

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: You are in charge of how this turns out in the end. Learn about your illness. Exercise and stress reduction are insulin's best allies.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: Every day is different and you cannot be prepared for the bad...when it comes you must be flexible and say, "yes, this is a bad day, but it too shall pass, and tomorrow will be better." I know this has been, and is, the hardest thing for my friends to accept; most of them think I'm just bailing on them. Honestly, the good days are fewer than they were and when I wake to one of those, I jump! What a gift a healthy day is. Additionally, insulin injections are not always so painful! great new tiny needles.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Listen with compassion. I find it cruel for someone healthy to say, "yea, I know it's frustrating" Ha! No, you don't. Someday you might.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I'm pretty tired, just lately, of being treated like I give up easily, not a quality I possess. People who don't see my illness, often treat me like I'm weak when I'm having bad days. I am not weak and have a strong resolve, always seeking solutions. I understand, after 26 years of being ill, all too well, what it means to have assumptions of good health directed toward you. It's a difficult life, because people expect you to fit right in...not gonna happen.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Love, support, and hope for a movement towards better treatment for all of us suffering silently. I'd rather speak than hold my breath, in hopes of bridging the gap. Thank you.

Warm Zucchini Bread Wards off Winter

The cool misty morning has carried my senses toward zucchini bread baking in the warm oven, although tomatoes hang on the vine in the garden, I feel Fall rushing in and am in need of something deeply satisfying to offset the chill.

I'm not ready to bid adieu to summer and zucchini is begging to be eaten. The recipe I'm using today is a compilation of many zuch bread recipes with slight adjustments to tame my idiosyncratic quirks. Hope you enjoy it!

Zucch Bread

1 1/2 cups chopped walnuts

1/3 cup poppy seeds (optional)

zest of two lemons (optional)

1/2 cup crystallized ginger, finely chopped (optional)

1/2 cup unsalted butter

1 cup sugar

1/2 cup fine grain natural cane sugar or brown sugar, lightly packed

3 large eggs

2 teaspoons vanilla extract

3 cups grated zucchini (about 3 medium)-don't peel and squeeze the moisture out after grating, then loosen it up again

3 cups whole wheat pastry flour (or all-purpose flour)

1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon ground cloves (adjust to your taste)

1/2 teaspoon ground ginger (adjust to your taste)

pinch nutmeg

2/3 cup raisins-optional-(soak raisins in a cup of water til plump then drain before adding)

Special equipment: two 1 pound loaf pans (5 x 9 inches)

Preheat your oven to 350°F. Butter the two loaf pans, dust them with a bit of flour and set aside. Alternately, you can line the pans with a sheet of parchment. If you leave a couple inches hanging over the pan, it makes for easy removal after baking, grab the parchment paper and lift the loaf out.

In a small bowl combine the walnuts, poppy seeds, lemon zest, and ginger. Set aside.

In a mixer, beat the butter until fluffy. Add the sugars and beat again until mixture comes together and is no longer crumbly. Add the eggs one at a time mixing well and scraping down the sides of the bowl between each addition. Stir in the vanilla and then the zucchini.

In a separate bowl, combine the whole wheat pastry flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and nutmeg. Add these dry ingredients to the wet ingredients in batches, stirring after each addition.

Fold (stir minimally) in the walnut, poppy seed, lemon zest, crystalized ginger mixture, and optional raisins. (I like my bread fruity and heavy.) Save a bit of this to sprinkle on the tops of the zucchini loaves before baking. Don't over-stir you don't want air bubbles in the batter), it should be thick and moist.

Divide the batter equally between the two loaf pans. Level the tops with a spatula, just push to the edges. Bake for about 40-45 minutes on a middle oven rack. Check by inserting a toothpick into the center-it should be slightly wet not coated with batter. It's best to under-bake the zucchini bread slightly to ensure it stays moist. Keep in mind, it will continue to cook a bit even after it is removed from the oven. Remove from the oven and cool the zucchini bread in the pan for about 10 or so minutes. Once cool, turn out or lift out with parchment paper, onto wire racks to finish cooling, don't leave in pans for too long because they will get soggy and loose firmness. Slice and chow.

May you not gain one ounce. Enjoy, and remember, if you inbibe too much, take a brisk walk right afterward!

Makes 2 loaves.

JUST A LITTLE BIT OF MY POETRY

THE RELATIONSHIP

Where are you when I need to talk--to you, to anyone?

Why is it that your need for quiet is when I need to chatter?

Just listen honestly and intently for a few minutes, then I will speak no more...

til the next time.

Can you leave your cave and come sit with me

in this field of wildflowers?

Can you hold your lips to mine

Just a little longer dear?

Wrap your arms around me

and press your heart to mine, til they beat as one?

I wait to see you all day,

but all I see is the back of you

heading away...

away from me.

Am I crazy to feel alone in the middle

of this crowd?

Spoken words of mine glaze over the room w/out notice.

The space between us spans miles,

while you stand next to me.

I would rather be alone than

lonely with you.

I would rather be a ablaze with fire

than feel this chill in the air.

What happened to the look in your eye?

the one I loved to feel follow me

around the room?

Where are you?

Where did We go?

And why am I standing here

Alone

with you?

-Victoria Hart

Chronically Chronic

Well, it has been 5 weeks of illness; germs followed my baby girl home from the school and attached themselves to moi. I have a diagnosis of bronchitis, but fear, fear, fear, the run amuck villain, swine flu. The doc and I are attempting to "kill" this with a second round of antibiotics, (could this one be any stronger than the last?), and the various other palliative care treatments. I am exhausted to the literal point of tears.

Tomorrow, I look forward to yet another blood draw to test for the good ol' villain at the local hospital. Yes, I am being cynical, but one would not have to see too far to notice that I am wanting desperately for some semblance of my life returned to me. I want to feel well enough, to not just walk from one side of my home to the other, but to be able to steadily leave the house in search of something thats makes me smile. I'm not feeling hopeful after 5 wks, needless to say.

Tomorrow, I also will very much miss my community of potter friends at my local clay center of which I have been a joyful member for many years. Clay makes me smile, but I will have to wait for that pleasure along with many others for now.

Wish me well on my quest to beat the bronchitis or the "villain" if that's the case. Diabetes, asthma, and the relentless PTSD are hanging tightly by my side, jumping in every now and then to put their "two cents" in...I've stopped listening for just a while, back to bed.